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Proverbs to light my path

Of course Proverbs is always a good place to go for when you are seeking some advice! I also read them and sometimes have to laugh or giggle to myself. for example Proverbs 21:9 I believe it is….says It is better to sit on the corner of the roof of your house than inside with a quarrelsome wife!!! If you think about it though that is some good advice. We sometimes need a bit of space to gather our thoughts and think about what we are going to say before we say something we may never take back!….

So I have this book called 31 Proverbs to light your path. I really loved this book.  I enjoyed the reading and tried to do it daily. I also liked that there was a study guide along with this book. There was a 1 step challenge that you could complete and it could done in like a minute. I learned quite a bit from reading the proverbs in this book and also it encouraged me to read more!!!

Totally recommend this book. It is by Liz Curtis Higgs

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This Pain…

Written October 21st 2014

The pain is physical, this pain cannot be seen. The pain is inside. Inside my cold, cold heart.  It ill never love again.  My heart  won’t heal. My heart cannot be fixed. No drug or medication can cure what I have.  No doctor or surgeon can fix this broken heart.

The pain is always there, although it does not always hurt so bad. You can’t see the pain or the hurt that lays deep down inside.  I hurt, but yet  cannot see where it is. So in order to have a physical pain, a pain that i can really see, I give into the voice that screams deep within.

The cold blade touches the soft skin, it pierces through the layers. It is just skin, but yet so much more. Layers of hatred, jealousy and anger.  it punctures deep to the core until a deep red liquid pours out over the cool skin. The blood, visual, releases a feeling, proving i am not numb. One is not enough, so again and again I strike the skin. but…..only where no one else can see!  This is MY pain, MY hurt. No one else gets in. THIS……THIS is a physical pain, it is visible.  I can see why I hurt. Yes, now I can see and feel this hurt. So why is there no relief, why do I still hurt? Will this internal, invisible pain leave.  Will my heart be full again? It feels silent, slow and non reactive.  Like an addict who finds his relief in the needle, I searched for mine! Food, cutting, hurting myself to feel something, nothing…NOTHING   yet has really worked.  I have found that my kids have been my heroe’s, my reason to stay n this earth. Being in the gym has helped to subside and reduce the pain, the anger, the hate. Only a little, I still have these feelings, one day I know they will rear their ugly head. But I will try to keep them down to fight them off. I am in a never-ending battle. 

 

That Brick Wall

Why is it so hard to let go of the past?  Everytime there was even a “glimpse” of something good, it gets shut down by guilt.  What will it take to break down the wall that has been so carefully built. Day after day, brick after brick.  Painstakingly  built over time.  Each brick a tear, an emotion.  There are so many emotions, every day, some are just too hard to handle.

Anger, but pointed at who?The one who left? or the one left behind.  Hate, so strong is this hate, it overpowers any small inkling of joy that tries so hard to escape.  Fear? of what?  well, spiders that’s a given… but fear of really letting go, of forgetting who i was up until that day?  Sometimes yes.  I just need to be broken, if only for a short time. Don’t try to fix it. You can’t.  The wall breaks down an joy starts to rise, rise up like a phoenix.  But as fast as it arises, “I…ME..I” shut it down and beat it, with brick after brick. Slowly the wall is built again.

Thoughts go through my head like shocks to the heart!  Faster ad faster, sometimes i don’t even get to hold on to them for long!  Emotions flare up through my whole body.  Thinking about certain places brings a warmth.  I feel my skin warm up, my “happy” place.  Stay in that happy place, “you can do this” I tell myself, “Be brave”, whats the worst that can happen?

Yes in my happy place there is comfort, peace and calm.  Even in the busyness of the day, in all the tasks. There is the warmth you feel from a warm hug.  Then BAM  just like that it’s gone.

Confidence shattered and warmth gone and again, I start to build brick by brick by brick.  The wall around me will stand. BUT, I so want it to fall, brick by brick by brick by bri…..

Broken (written October 2017)

BROKEN

 

Once something like the heart is broken, is it always that way? Will it ever beat again?

When feelings of love that once were so strong,  be rekindled, and made anew?

Can a heart once alive, broken, no, ripped out of my chest even beat again?

These feelings of guilt, punishing myself,  I can’t let myself be happy.

No it is not right to feel such Joy.  It is wrong , just wrong.

 

But wait, I am not the one that left, although he did not leave by choice.

Am I allowed to be happy,  is it really ok? What would you do if you were here? In my shoes?

Would you allow yourself to be transported to a place of bliss, and sheer joy?

Could you let yourself heal, feel? can you allow your heart to beat once more,

Is it passion? Is it Love? Or is it a remnant of something once alive but now  lifeless?

 

Heart make up your mind. What is it to be? I cannot do this alone, I need you with me.

These feelings I thought that  were extinct are emerging, rising to the surface,

To once again face the bright light of day,  the heart is opening up to accept….

But NO! deep down the beast, the ice cold queen tries to quench it.

I wrestle the queen to let me be, I want to feel alive.

Was I satisfied?

I admit i really like to read John Piper material.  This one was really good,it helped me focus on daily reading. Sometimes my schedule does not allow me to sit for extended periods of times, so it was nice that i could just pick it up after a few days and catch up. The book although a daily reading book you can see how it flows nicely. I am excited to have learned and become more confident in my faith.

 

I had gotten this book from http://www.bloggingforbooks.com

I will follow him~~~

I generally am a follower not a leader per say.  However I was reading this book called Follow the Cloud.  I like to read but this book i just could not get into. I dont know why, but it was just a hard read. Do we hear Gods voice speak to us, well not audibly, to hear audibly, just read your bible out loud…

 

Trying to hear God’s voice one next step at a time hmmm ….I dont know.  yes we need to like follow Gods plan, but sometimes it is not easy especially when you do not know the plan. I think the most important thing is to learn to actually TRUST and not just go on our own steam. Tha in itself is a hard thing to do….

 

So I will try to listen, and follow God’s leading! I received the book from Bloggingforbooks.com

If you plant it, they will grow!

Well, maybe they will grow! I think maybe twice I have had a bountiful supply of delicious veggies etc! THis book has given me a little bit of motivation! I mean whats not too like! the beautiful pictures made me want to grow everything i saw so i can create amazing creations! onesthat are for show and also ones to eat!  I mean did you know on some plants you can use everything from the root to the tip! You can use roots and make tea’s…facial masks….facial scrubs….I can literally stop shopping at lots of places! and my products will have natural ingredients! or how about putting chrysanthemums in salads!!!!!  I cannot wait to have my little garden growing in no time!

The book in question is called “Harvest”  by Steffanie Bittner and I got it from http://www.bloggingforbooks.com